I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
