No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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