what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
