im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
