we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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