What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
