I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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