All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Can you repeat that, but with context?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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