dude i'm inner monologue high
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
