Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
