a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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