every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
