I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
