He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
