News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
