oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
