Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
