Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
