It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
