I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
