Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
