I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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