"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
