I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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