Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
