That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
