life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Reggie can tackle my bush.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
