i think my tv is drunk
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
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