I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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