i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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