i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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