Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
