If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
