You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
