After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
