Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
