Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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