wanna go halves on a baby?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
