First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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