what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
