I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
