i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
