I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
