this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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