and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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