hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
