I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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