Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
