You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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