Jerry, you need to find god
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
