He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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